“I am no bird, no net ensnares me”

Today I learned of the passing of a good friend. After a long battle with depression it was her time to leave this world for a better, more hopeful one. 

A beautiful soul, always smiling, always laughing. She had the most beautiful laugh that could make the whole room light up. 

23 years old. 

Today the world became somewhat darker. Her light shall shine down from above and she will continue to sparkle for eternity.

Today I am aware of how fragile life is and just how little time we may have with one another. Be kind, love too much, laugh always, never let anybody dull your sparkle and never dull anybody else’s. You never know how much time you have left with them.

Rest in peace, Ellen. I will carry you in my heart, forever.

Advertisements

Fragile Regret.

28th September 2016

I think we all forget how fragile life is. We are put on this earth as tiny humans, incapable of caring for ourselves. We grow with our parents love and care. We grow into amazing human beings that are capable of amazing, incredible things. It’s almost too easy to forget that it won’t be that way forever. We make mistakes, we regret, we hate, we cry….but we also make wondrous memories, we love, we laugh, we smile.

It seems that when we know the end is near for someone close to us, we remember all the things we wished we had said sooner, all the things we should have done.

My beloved Grandma was taken into hospital today and is very very ill. At this point, it is highly unlikely she will ever come home. I have this feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel that if I go to sleep, I will wake up and she will be gone, forever.

I have spent the past 4-5 hours thinking about all of the things I wished I’d have said sooner, all the things I should have done with her. I started getting mad at myself…until I started thinking about all of the memories we have shared in my 21 years on this planet. I often use my blog as way to vent, and get my feelings out. Today, at 1am, I would like to share the amazing life I have had with my Grandma. I want to remember the good times.

You have been there to watch over me since the day I was born. A tiny, vulnerable baby that was overwhelmed with love. Ever since that day, you have ensured that I have had everything I needed to blossom into the young woman I am today. When I cried, you sat me on your knee, wiped away my tears and told me it would be okay in the end. You’ve been my idol, you have been my light in times of darkness and a listening ear in times of need. My life without you shall be dull, dark and without your love. I understand that you need to go soon, as much as I wish I could grab you and keep hold of you forever. Grandad is waiting for you, arms wide open waiting for his beautiful flower that he has missed all these years. All of me hopes that you can pull through this, that I can have just a little more time with you, yet I know that is selfish and unlikely. You mustn’t suffer, you must be free to rejoin the love of your life and your family. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be here waiting for the day we can meet you again. We have had some amazing times together, 21 years worth, and I shan’t forget them easily. I hate that you are in pain right now, worried about everyone and everything.

Update – 28th October 2016

I decided not to post this, I’m not sure why. So, Grandma was allowed home a few days after the above, she still wasn’t right. She keeps getting confused. On Monday this week, she was re-admitted with bleeding from a worrying place (don’t want to tmi you guys). She had a scan yesterday, they think it might be her kidneys. The doctor told us yesterday that her kidneys are barely there but “they’ll do”. I spoke to mum yesterday, she’s seen more of Grandma than I have as I have been working during hospital visiting hours. She was upset, she had a chat with Grandma the night before last. Basically it was Grandma saying that if she needs surgery, no matter the risk, she will do it. She also told mum that she would prefer to die in hospital. I’m not quite sure how I’m holding it together…I really think this might be the end for her. I have this feeling in my gut and I feel like she’s slipping away slowly. I just want to be able to help her. She’s so sad. I see the sadness in her eyes. She’s struggling. I am trying to savour the time that we have left together but I haven’t been able to see her much because I have to work. I feel this wave of sadness coming over me, I don’t know how much time I have left with her. I’m losing her. Perhaps not physically but mentally, she’s draining fast. She’s not the bubbly, lighthearted woman that I used to know and that breaks me. She is incredibly strong but I see her getting weaker and weaker. If there is a God/s please, please don’t let her be in pain. If she needs to be free, let her be free.

I am heartbroken and I can’t see why.

We shall see what the next few months…weeks…days brings.

Invisible Illness.

I’m really annoyed and upset. Like, seriously. I’ve had a long day today, I worked 9-3 then nipped home for half an hour and came back out to see some friends. I’m exhausted. Really unbelievably exhausted. To the point where I can barely hold myself up. I left early and went to the bus stop to wait for my bus. I had a twenty minute wait. Now, standing for this long is usually easy for a regular person. When you’re battling ME…not so much. I found a small ledge by the bus stop and plonked myself down, it was either that or I was going to fall down. As I did so, a middle aged woman gave me a look of disgust and shook her head. It took every fragile bone in my body not to confront her. She walked past and to be honest, I got quite upset. So there I was, teary, exhausted and sat on a ledge in the middle of Leeds. It was at this point I started realising how much of a mess the world is in.

I have an invisible illness and as the name suggests, it’s invisible. You can’t see it. You don’t know its there. I mean, most people don’t even know it exists. This really gets to me. I’ve been on buses where I’ve had to stand for half an hour because all the seats are gone. I’ve seen people give up their seats to able and active senior citizens. What about me? I was clearly in pain. What? Because I’m young I’m fine? No. Nobody seems to understand what I go through on a day to day basis. Nobody cares. If somebody has a visible illness, it’s real to people. They can see it, it’s there. I can guarantee that I struggle just as much as they do, I’m in pain 24/7. Yet because I can’t prove it or show anyone, I’m lying.

The new manager at work told my colleague that I was flaky. Thankfully my colleague is a good friend and understands what I deal with. She shot her straight down.

“Actually, hang on a minute, this girl is 21 years old and has ME. She has worked 10am-6pm for over a month for us and it’s almost killed her. Yet, here she is, still working for you and coming in on what she thought was her week off.”

That made me livid. How dare she say I’m flaky. I shouldn’t have even been working full time. I went from 8 months off because of illness to full time almost instantly and was always on time and always working to my best standard. That’s incredible.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post as I’m angry, upset and on a bus. I’m in pain. Everything hurts and I can barely move.

I’ll make a better post soon. Just needed to vent.

Love you all x

“Every drop of rain has an Eco-structure and every blade of grass a story”

This is a bit of a different post for me. Something somewhat different to my usual anxiety fuelled writing. It is something that I find of utmost importance and it’s undoubtedly inspiring.

A good friend of mine lost one of his closest friends last week. He asked that I let you know what happened before I continue my post. It was heartbreakingly suicide. Now, I don’t know the reasons why or much about the situation, but most of you who follow my blog know about my struggle with having a suicidal father. I’m not saying that I am an expert on these things or anything like that, yet I have come to view these things in a rather different manor to what I used to. Someone once said that suicide was selfish. I struggled with hearing that, is it selfish? In my view, no, it’s not. I had a very hard time accepting my father’s suicidal mind especially when one of my best friends lost her mother. I didn’t seem to understand the fact that one person who truly wanted to live, had her life stolen from her whilst my father who had everything to live for, wanted to destroy his. I have now come to terms with this and I feel like I have an understanding and my own perspective on this. Life isn’t for him. It may sound stupid but maybe he just wasn’t meant for life. I say this, knowing my friend is grieving, your friend may be gone in life but she is there in your heart and soul. She will live on inside of you.I hope that you will have more of an understanding on this matter as you have been in a similar mindset yourself. If someone is willing to let go of life, that’s okay. They are now free. Isn’t that what everyone strives for? Freedom? I don’t know, I feel like I’m rambling. This isn’t what the post was meant to be about.

Moving on.

The real reason that I wanted to write this post is that said friend, Joey, wrote a post on Facebook today. Me being the avid writer that I am, and knowing it would interest you all, decided to tell you more about it and write about it. I shall include the post (I have his permission) and you can all read it for yourselves. I’m sure you’ll appreciate his talent for writing and the content of this post:

The past week has had me thinking, more than usual (which is usually a hell of a lot anyway). It’s crazy how the death of a friend can really capture not only your thoughts but your entire perspective, extremely unexpectedly as well. You believe it’s one of those events that you can deal with, life has thrown other obstacles at you in the past and you’ve fought past them and emerged victorious, so why not now?

Truth is, nothing can prepare you for that news, no matter who you are or how many times you’ve had the misfortune to hear it in the past.

So yeah, this past week has really had me thinking deeply (Beatherder included difficulty enough) and its left me with some lessons I’m sure I’ll take on for the rest of my life. I think we’re all in pursuit of that moment of perfection, that moment where you feel like absolutely everything is in place, you have no worries, no constraints, no restrictions (whether they be emotional, financial etc) and everything just feels perfect. I don’t think these moments exist, considering the state of affairs worldwide, the overexposure of any individuals life due to social media, I think this moment of perfection is pretty much impossible to achieve or find. HOWEVER, the operative opinion (please register that I use the word ‘opinion’ strongly here as it is just my opinion) here is that we must not struggle to find the perfect balance, but that we should find beauty in fucking everything. Every drop of rain has an Eco-structure and every blade of grass a story. Allow yourself the mental and emotional scope to take everything you see and feel on board, whether it be physically or emotionally.

What I’m trying to say is, despite all evil or all good, you exist as part of a ridiculously delicate but beautiful and expanding Earth, bless yourself with the importance of this and immerse yourself in every single moment, every single sight, every single touch. Maybe if we can find the beauty in everything, even the evil in the world, we can individually and collectively make our landscapes brighter.

That’s what keeps me going, anyway.

We all strive for perfection. Whether we know it or not. We all look for that moment in life when we’re at peace with ourselves, our lives and everything around us. Truth is, it’s bullshit. As Joey stated, we should strive to find beauty in everything around is. Wouldn’t that make life just a little more beautiful itself? I spend a lot of time watching the news at work, I hear about all of the murders, attacks and horrific things that happen on a day to day basis. Sometimes I find it difficult to keep a clear head and not get upset over them. The problem with society is we all focus on the bad. Yes, there’s a lot of bad and evil in the world but we never compare it to the positives. It’s like when you’re weighing up pros and cons of something. You usually go for it if there’s more pros. Isn’t life and the world like that? There’s so many pros and positives. I mean go outside right now and you will find some beauty outside your front door. We live in a fucking beautiful, immense world. We have trees, flowers, animals. We have friends, family. Sometimes we must appreciate what we have, not what we have lost. Right now, I am sat at a desk in work with barely any human contact. It’s warm, stuffy and I’m not very well. However, when I look outside I can see the sun shining through the architecture of Leeds. I can see people basking in the sunshine. There is a dog with it’s owner waiting outside the job centre. I can see plants from my desk, beautiful plants that are living. There’s beauty in everything you see. You are making memories every second of every minute of every day. Do you want to look back with hate?

You see horrible events on the news. People have been shot. Killed. You may ask, how do you find beauty in that? Well, think about the community, the families. Think about how they’re pulling together to do everything they can to help. To support each other. Is that not beauty?

At the end of the day, you’re here. You’re on this earth and it’s fucking incredible. Appreciate it. Before it’s gone.

 

Thank you to Joey for inspiring this post and inspiring my mind. 

Alive.

I sit here in the bath and I think about the past 6 month . What a whirlwind. My mind wanders onto alcohol.

I barely drink anymore. I haven’t been out properly ages (minus 2 nights out for my 21st). That’s a big improvement for me as I used to go out twice a week and get absolutely hammered. Now, even if I’m staying in, I barely drink. I bought a bottle of wine after work on Friday as I’d had a particularly stressful week. I poured a glass, took 3 sips and didn’t even want it. It was my favourite wine. I can’t believe how far I have come. So for those who feel they need to say this, that and whatever about my drinking; look where I am now. I am healthy, happy and nothing in the world can fucking stop me.

I’ve proved you wrong. More importantly, I’ve proved something to myself!

Without You.

Here it is. My second ever poem. It has been months since the first but tonight felt like the night. I didn’t have to think twice about it. No scribbles on the page. Just pure feeling put into words. Meh. Feedback would be lovely. Enjoy x

I wasn’t always lost,
never hopeless but hoping.
Things are different now,
I have lost my senses.
Everything consumes me,
like flames to a cloth.
Suffocated.
Suffocated by my emotion.
Suffocated by my fear to love again.
I can’t breathe.
Where are you?
I can’t find you.
I’m searching for you but I’m blind.
Darkness.
All I see is darkness.
You were my fire,
the flame to guide me.
It was once your eternal love that consumed.
Gone.
You are gone and never shall return.
Lost.
I am lost without you.

I miss you. 

Children’s Names.

This post may not interest any of you but it’s something I find very interesting. I have a lot of children’s names in mind for if I ever have children and I thought I would share them and their meanings with you.

Female

Kiara – Irish name derived from ciar (black): hence, “black-haired one.” In the U.S., Ciara is pronounced phonetically, rather than with its Gaelic pronunciation of keer-ah.

Asteria – Asteria is the Titaness of nocturnal oracles and falling stars (where we get the word Asteroid from).

Erienne – The Greek Goddess who symbolized peace.

Delphina – Feminine form of the Latin name Delphinus, which meant “of Delphi”. Delphi was a city in ancient Greece, the name of which is possibly related to Greek δελφυς(delphys) “womb”. The Blessed Delphina was a 14th-century Provençal nun.

Ada – The name Ada is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Ada is: Nobility.

Liana – The name Liana is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Liana is: F: Youthful. The feminine form of Julian. Famous Bearer: Former Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.

Penny-Mae – Greek Meaning: The name Penny is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Penny is: Flower. Also a : Bobbin.

Male 

Ezra – The name Ezra is a Hebrew baby name. In Hebrew the meaning of the name Ezrais: Help, helper.

Timothy – The name Timothy is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Timothy is: God’s honour; God fearing.

Nolan – Traditionally an Irish last name. In Gaelic, it means a descendant of a chariot fighter or champion. Other meanings are “famous” and “noble.”

Colby – The name Colby is an Anglo-Saxon baby name. In Anglo-Saxon the meaning of the name Colby is: From the dark village.

Harrison – Transferred use of the surname originating in the Middle Ages as a patronymic meaning “son of Henry” or “son of Harry.”

Oakley – The name Oakley is an English baby name. In English,the meaning of the name Oakley is: From the oak – tree meadow.

Tristan – The name Tristan is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Tristan is: Tumult; outcry. From the Celtic name Tristan. In Arthurian legend Tristanwas a Knight of the Round Table and tragic hero of the medieval tale Tristram and Isolde.

 

Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x