“I am no bird, no net ensnares me”

Today I learned of the passing of a good friend. After a long battle with depression it was her time to leave this world for a better, more hopeful one. 

A beautiful soul, always smiling, always laughing. She had the most beautiful laugh that could make the whole room light up. 

23 years old. 

Today the world became somewhat darker. Her light shall shine down from above and she will continue to sparkle for eternity.

Today I am aware of how fragile life is and just how little time we may have with one another. Be kind, love too much, laugh always, never let anybody dull your sparkle and never dull anybody else’s. You never know how much time you have left with them.

Rest in peace, Ellen. I will carry you in my heart, forever.

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Invisible Illness.

I’m really annoyed and upset. Like, seriously. I’ve had a long day today, I worked 9-3 then nipped home for half an hour and came back out to see some friends. I’m exhausted. Really unbelievably exhausted. To the point where I can barely hold myself up. I left early and went to the bus stop to wait for my bus. I had a twenty minute wait. Now, standing for this long is usually easy for a regular person. When you’re battling ME…not so much. I found a small ledge by the bus stop and plonked myself down, it was either that or I was going to fall down. As I did so, a middle aged woman gave me a look of disgust and shook her head. It took every fragile bone in my body not to confront her. She walked past and to be honest, I got quite upset. So there I was, teary, exhausted and sat on a ledge in the middle of Leeds. It was at this point I started realising how much of a mess the world is in.

I have an invisible illness and as the name suggests, it’s invisible. You can’t see it. You don’t know its there. I mean, most people don’t even know it exists. This really gets to me. I’ve been on buses where I’ve had to stand for half an hour because all the seats are gone. I’ve seen people give up their seats to able and active senior citizens. What about me? I was clearly in pain. What? Because I’m young I’m fine? No. Nobody seems to understand what I go through on a day to day basis. Nobody cares. If somebody has a visible illness, it’s real to people. They can see it, it’s there. I can guarantee that I struggle just as much as they do, I’m in pain 24/7. Yet because I can’t prove it or show anyone, I’m lying.

The new manager at work told my colleague that I was flaky. Thankfully my colleague is a good friend and understands what I deal with. She shot her straight down.

“Actually, hang on a minute, this girl is 21 years old and has ME. She has worked 10am-6pm for over a month for us and it’s almost killed her. Yet, here she is, still working for you and coming in on what she thought was her week off.”

That made me livid. How dare she say I’m flaky. I shouldn’t have even been working full time. I went from 8 months off because of illness to full time almost instantly and was always on time and always working to my best standard. That’s incredible.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post as I’m angry, upset and on a bus. I’m in pain. Everything hurts and I can barely move.

I’ll make a better post soon. Just needed to vent.

Love you all x

Children’s Names.

This post may not interest any of you but it’s something I find very interesting. I have a lot of children’s names in mind for if I ever have children and I thought I would share them and their meanings with you.

Female

Kiara – Irish name derived from ciar (black): hence, “black-haired one.” In the U.S., Ciara is pronounced phonetically, rather than with its Gaelic pronunciation of keer-ah.

Asteria – Asteria is the Titaness of nocturnal oracles and falling stars (where we get the word Asteroid from).

Erienne – The Greek Goddess who symbolized peace.

Delphina – Feminine form of the Latin name Delphinus, which meant “of Delphi”. Delphi was a city in ancient Greece, the name of which is possibly related to Greek δελφυς(delphys) “womb”. The Blessed Delphina was a 14th-century Provençal nun.

Ada – The name Ada is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Ada is: Nobility.

Liana – The name Liana is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Liana is: F: Youthful. The feminine form of Julian. Famous Bearer: Former Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.

Penny-Mae – Greek Meaning: The name Penny is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Penny is: Flower. Also a : Bobbin.

Male 

Ezra – The name Ezra is a Hebrew baby name. In Hebrew the meaning of the name Ezrais: Help, helper.

Timothy – The name Timothy is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Timothy is: God’s honour; God fearing.

Nolan – Traditionally an Irish last name. In Gaelic, it means a descendant of a chariot fighter or champion. Other meanings are “famous” and “noble.”

Colby – The name Colby is an Anglo-Saxon baby name. In Anglo-Saxon the meaning of the name Colby is: From the dark village.

Harrison – Transferred use of the surname originating in the Middle Ages as a patronymic meaning “son of Henry” or “son of Harry.”

Oakley – The name Oakley is an English baby name. In English,the meaning of the name Oakley is: From the oak – tree meadow.

Tristan – The name Tristan is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Tristan is: Tumult; outcry. From the Celtic name Tristan. In Arthurian legend Tristanwas a Knight of the Round Table and tragic hero of the medieval tale Tristram and Isolde.

 

Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

Strength.

I am not weak.

I have been through hell and here I am. Alive. To call someone weak when they have once wanted to end their life but found a way to live, is disgusting. I am strong. I have always been strong. Yes, I drink. Thing is, I am able to drink now. I can go out for a few drinks with my friends, have a good time, not make a fool of myself and just enjoy myself. Just because I drink does not mean I am weak. If I can go out, drink, get a takeaway and get home without being stupidly drunk and paralytic, then I don’t see an issue.

I am angry. Very angry. You still read my blog and chuckle at my weakness’s and flaws? I am a human being. We all have those. The difference between me and you, is that I have lived. I have been through a whole lot of shit and you will never be able to understand that unless you’ve been in my position. That isn’t to say you haven’t been through things, we all have. They are just very different things.

I don’t understand how you can have so much hate for a person. I strive to be a good person and I know that I am. I won’t let you or anybody tell me otherwise.

Other than this, I am doing wonderfully. Minus having the flu, of course.

Ciao x

Yup.

I honestly have no idea what to name this post…it’s going to be a bit all over the place as per usual.

I feel a little detached today. I’m not entirely sure why. I just kind of feel like life is passing me by. I go through the days and don’t really do much any more. I have never felt so bored hahah.

I think I’m getting to the point where I want to be back at work. That’s something I never thought I would say. But yes. I want to work again. Maybe not full time 37+ hours a week like I used to, I just need something a few days a week and I will be happy. I’ll ease myself into it.

Kristian says he will help me look into some options when I see him on Thursday which is nice. It makes me feel very lucky that he’s willing to help.

On another note, I discovered today that one of my….well I thought he was a friend, has removed me on facebook and is no longer speaking to me. I really cannot figure out why. As Mark always says, have an open door policy. If someone wants to walk out of your life, leave the door open for them to leave. Someone I know always used to say “Lose one friend, gain another.” so here’s my fingers crossed that I find a couple of new friends soon that I can pour love into.

Overall, life is on the up. Minus being skint as per usual and needing to buy multiple things, I’m doing well. I feel like I can get back into writing again. I feel like I haven’t written this much in a while and it’s nice. It’s calming on the soul.

I’m kind of overwhelmed with memories this evening which is slightly comforting, if a little sad. Ah well. It’s the past. I’m looking to the present and the future now, no longer stuck in the past.

 

More in a few days. Love you all. Ciao x