This is it. My first day of recovery. I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed. I think it’s because I knew today would be different. It’s going to be a hell of a journey and one that I’m facing somewhat alone. If I can overcome this then hell, I can do anything. For the first time in a long time, I actually woke up happy to be alive. I was happy to start living rather than just surviving. I have goals for the future and I plan to kick the hell out of this illness once and for all. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same place/situation as me, you can do it. I believe in you. We will get better together. We’ll stop being afraid to live and we will make our lives what we want them to be, not what our mental illness makes us.
I went to see my doctor this morning. He’s given me some stronger medication. Now if you’re anything like me then you’ll hate the idea of mediation to make you better. I was the same but then I realised, it’s going to help me. They were developed purely to help people overcome this. Of course they’re not going to solve everything but they’re a step in the right direction and will give me a kick start. The rest is up to me. I left the doctors feeling super positive. I’d had a big day already and it was only 10:30am. I made myself a drink and settled on the sofa for a bit with the TV. I was thinking about everything the doctor said and I remembered he suggested exercise. It has been a good while since I truly did any decent exercise. Sad, I know. So I stuck some music on and did a good 20 minute workout. I’m absolutely shattered now but it was well worth it. The one thing I’m worrying about is burning myself out in the first few days. It’s going to have to be slow and steady in order to get to my target. If at least half of the days are like this though, I’ll make it. You know what the best thing is? I don’t even want a cigarette or a drop of alcohol. No more. I’m done with them both. Hell, if I’m going to become better in myself, I may as well do the same with my body! Now to curl up with a book, some chocolate and a cuppa. Today is the first step up the staircase of my dreams. I’m going to win the war between me and my depression and anxiety once and for all. I am so ready for this. Bring. It. On.
Isn’t it funny how when the sun is shining your mood is always going to be somewhat lifted? I write this as I’m travelling down the M60 from Manchester with the sun on my face and the wonderful sound of Delain coming through the speakers. I’m thinking about all the plans I have, I’m in a great mood. I feel so productive. I always feel productive when the weather is nice. I’m going to get fit, start my journal, do writing challenges and all the stuff I love. My best friend said something the other night that accurately described how I feel. “I don’t think depressed people really want to die, I think they want to live.”
This is a post that I never really thought I’d see myself writing. The past week or two I’ve barely been out of bed, I’ve just laid in bed and been miserable. I finally went to see my GP last Monday, after months of needing to. I’m now taking Sertraline which is an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication. I’ve only been on it a week but I thought I’d tell you all how I’m getting on.
In myself, I feel better. Today is the first day that I’ve properly been out of bed most of the day, which is progress. I’m absolutely knackered now but it was worth it. Being out of bed and getting dressed has made me feel rather positive, despite not being very well. I’ve actually got a few plans for the week which has me excited. Tomorrow morning I’m going on a walk with my dad and the puppy, then we’re going to get some breakfast. Later on I shall be going to my Grandma’s to help her out with some gardening and other little jobs around the house. It’s nice to have plans, it’s nice to have something to look forward to.
Even though my medication has made me feel a bit better mentally, there’s been rather a lot of side effects. Firstly, I keep getting very dizzy and unable to stand up for very long. I’ve also been very nauseous and was actually sick yesterday. I’ve pretty much lost my appetite for meals and am only slightly snacking. The last one is the side effect that’s been driving me slightly insane. Insomnia. It started on Sunday night, I had about 2 hours sleep. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t get to sleep. I spent all of Monday in bed, absolutely exhausted and desperate to sleep. Last night, I got about 5 hours sleep which is an improvement but still not great. I’ve managed to nap today which is also an improvement. I’m feeling positive about it now. I’m going to have a chill out before bed, maybe have a cup of camomile tea and read a little to tire me out. Hopefully I’ll get enough sleep for my busy day tomorrow.
I feel like I’m slowly getting better and it’s a great feeling. I’ve spent so long just surviving but now it’s time to start living…