This is it. My first day of recovery. I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed. I think it’s because I knew today would be different. It’s going to be a hell of a journey and one that I’m facing somewhat alone. If I can overcome this then hell, I can do anything. For the first time in a long time, I actually woke up happy to be alive. I was happy to start living rather than just surviving. I have goals for the future and I plan to kick the hell out of this illness once and for all. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same place/situation as me, you can do it. I believe in you. We will get better together. We’ll stop being afraid to live and we will make our lives what we want them to be, not what our mental illness makes us.
I went to see my doctor this morning. He’s given me some stronger medication. Now if you’re anything like me then you’ll hate the idea of mediation to make you better. I was the same but then I realised, it’s going to help me. They were developed purely to help people overcome this. Of course they’re not going to solve everything but they’re a step in the right direction and will give me a kick start. The rest is up to me. I left the doctors feeling super positive. I’d had a big day already and it was only 10:30am. I made myself a drink and settled on the sofa for a bit with the TV. I was thinking about everything the doctor said and I remembered he suggested exercise. It has been a good while since I truly did any decent exercise. Sad, I know. So I stuck some music on and did a good 20 minute workout. I’m absolutely shattered now but it was well worth it. The one thing I’m worrying about is burning myself out in the first few days. It’s going to have to be slow and steady in order to get to my target. If at least half of the days are like this though, I’ll make it. You know what the best thing is? I don’t even want a cigarette or a drop of alcohol. No more. I’m done with them both. Hell, if I’m going to become better in myself, I may as well do the same with my body! Now to curl up with a book, some chocolate and a cuppa. Today is the first step up the staircase of my dreams. I’m going to win the war between me and my depression and anxiety once and for all. I am so ready for this. Bring. It. On.
The title of this blog post won’t make any sense until you’ve read to the end, if you decide to read that far. I’ve been meaning to write this post in a week or so, I just never got round to it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, structuring it in my head. No doubt that it won’t end up anything like that but that’s okay. Anywho, let’s get onto it.
If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that I struggle a lot with anxiety. Recently, it’s been worse than usual. Pretty bad actually. It’s knocked my self esteem drastically. I’ve gone from accepting my body and the way that I look, to absolutely despising it. It doesn’t help that I spend a lot of time on Pinterest where there are a lot of posts about how to get the perfect body, how to lose weight, recent beauty trends and all that crap. Since when did people have to abide by these? It seems that if you don’t follow the trends and are pleasing to look at then there’s something wrong. No wonder so many people are self concious (men and women) when the media is constantly portraying what we should be and not what we are. I’m starting to realise that I shouldn’t be worried about it. I have people telling me that I’m pretty, that I have a nice body and complimenting me. I have a boyfriend that is insanely happy with how I look and tells me that it wouldn’t matter either way. It just winds me up that this all evolved from bullying during primary school and secondary school. I was constantly getting picked on for not having fashionable clothes or the best makeup. I was constantly picked on for the way I looked. If you think about it, that’s pretty stupid. I was under 16, I was still developing. Nobody looks amazing when they’re that age. Beauty comes with age. I look a hell of a lot different now. I admit that I do spend time and money on makeup. I spend money on clothes and fashion. The thing is though, I don’t do it purely because everything tells me that I should. I enjoy doing my makeup, being able to play about with new products and different techniques. I don’t rely on it, much. I’m happy to nip to the shops or go on a walk without it. Yet I still don’t feel confident enough to actually go out properly without it. I’m starting to think though, I don’t really notice much difference when I see a female friend without much makeup. I admit, I don’t actually notice half the time. If I feel like this, then why would they notice that I haven’t done my brows or I don’t have any eyeliner on. What does it matter? They’re not going to unfriend me for it. I feel like I’m going on a massive tangent here. I’ve written none of what I planned. What I wanted to say was thank you. Thank you to all the girls that picked on me and made me feel like a piece of shit on their shoe. Thank you for making me feel like I have to look just like you. Thank you for making me feel like shit every single time I look in the mirror. Anxiety is ruining my life, so thank you. Thank you for destroying every shred of confidence I ever had.
From now on, I shall continue to wear whatever I want. Mustard cardigans, floral dresses and creepers aren’t in fashion? Fucking deal with it. I don’t have the most expensive makeup? Fucking deal with it. My black hair and dark makeup makes me look ’emo’? Fucking deal with it. I refuse to let anyone make me change. If I want to change, it’ll be for myself.
Thank you for destroying my life, and thank you for helping me rebuild myself into a better woman.
From the title, this post seems like it’s going to be about my dreams in life and what I want to achieve. It’s not. It is genuinely about dreams.
No matter where or when I sleep, I can’t escape the weird dreams. I don’t really understand where they’ve come from. I’ve spent so long without having dreams or at least not noticing my dreams. Maybe that’s why they’re affecting me so much now, I’m just not used to them.
I’m going to try and start a dream journal and I’m thinking of posting the most interesting ones on here. For now though, I’ll just tell you about the dream I had whilst napping at my best friends house.
I was just wandering round a living room that for some reason had kitchen cupboards. I noticed like a basket of creme eggs on a counter top and got proper excited. My dad and brother were sat in the living room so I asked if they knew who they belonged to. They had no idea so I quickly made the decision to claim them as my own. As I went to pick them up, I noticed more of them on some shelves so quickly put these in the basket too. I went to show my dad all of my creme eggs but somehow they turned into rum truffles and them little silver ball cupcake things and were now in an after eight box….Anyway, my mum then walked in and was asking my brother about when he was going to buy new pjs, she mentioned that I had seen some in Matalan that I liked. It’s weird because I actually felt like I remembered them and looking at them. He said that he would take me and buy the ones that I liked. For some reason my brother had to have pjs that I liked haha. Mum then came and sat down. I went to put my creme eggs (or whatever the hell they are now) in one of the cupboards and found something (I don’t remember what) and I was determined to have it, I kept asking my Dad if I could. It seemed as if it was something proper crazy and exciting, I don’t think it was food. He said no and started teasing me about my creme eggs and then I woke up.
Aren’t dreams weird? I’m more irritated about the fact that I have woken up and I have neither creme eggs, rum truffles or after eights.
I need chocolate.
Isn’t it funny how when the sun is shining your mood is always going to be somewhat lifted? I write this as I’m travelling down the M60 from Manchester with the sun on my face and the wonderful sound of Delain coming through the speakers. I’m thinking about all the plans I have, I’m in a great mood. I feel so productive. I always feel productive when the weather is nice. I’m going to get fit, start my journal, do writing challenges and all the stuff I love. My best friend said something the other night that accurately described how I feel. “I don’t think depressed people really want to die, I think they want to live.”
This is a post that I never really thought I’d see myself writing. The past week or two I’ve barely been out of bed, I’ve just laid in bed and been miserable. I finally went to see my GP last Monday, after months of needing to. I’m now taking Sertraline which is an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication. I’ve only been on it a week but I thought I’d tell you all how I’m getting on.
In myself, I feel better. Today is the first day that I’ve properly been out of bed most of the day, which is progress. I’m absolutely knackered now but it was worth it. Being out of bed and getting dressed has made me feel rather positive, despite not being very well. I’ve actually got a few plans for the week which has me excited. Tomorrow morning I’m going on a walk with my dad and the puppy, then we’re going to get some breakfast. Later on I shall be going to my Grandma’s to help her out with some gardening and other little jobs around the house. It’s nice to have plans, it’s nice to have something to look forward to.
Even though my medication has made me feel a bit better mentally, there’s been rather a lot of side effects. Firstly, I keep getting very dizzy and unable to stand up for very long. I’ve also been very nauseous and was actually sick yesterday. I’ve pretty much lost my appetite for meals and am only slightly snacking. The last one is the side effect that’s been driving me slightly insane. Insomnia. It started on Sunday night, I had about 2 hours sleep. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t get to sleep. I spent all of Monday in bed, absolutely exhausted and desperate to sleep. Last night, I got about 5 hours sleep which is an improvement but still not great. I’ve managed to nap today which is also an improvement. I’m feeling positive about it now. I’m going to have a chill out before bed, maybe have a cup of camomile tea and read a little to tire me out. Hopefully I’ll get enough sleep for my busy day tomorrow.
I feel like I’m slowly getting better and it’s a great feeling. I’ve spent so long just surviving but now it’s time to start living…