Strength.

I am not weak.

I have been through hell and here I am. Alive. To call someone weak when they have once wanted to end their life but found a way to live, is disgusting. I am strong. I have always been strong. Yes, I drink. Thing is, I am able to drink now. I can go out for a few drinks with my friends, have a good time, not make a fool of myself and just enjoy myself. Just because I drink does not mean I am weak. If I can go out, drink, get a takeaway and get home without being stupidly drunk and paralytic, then I don’t see an issue.

I am angry. Very angry. You still read my blog and chuckle at my weakness’s and flaws? I am a human being. We all have those. The difference between me and you, is that I have lived. I have been through a whole lot of shit and you will never be able to understand that unless you’ve been in my position. That isn’t to say you haven’t been through things, we all have. They are just very different things.

I don’t understand how you can have so much hate for a person. I strive to be a good person and I know that I am. I won’t let you or anybody tell me otherwise.

Other than this, I am doing wonderfully. Minus having the flu, of course.

Ciao x

Day 1.

This is it. My first day of recovery. I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed. I think it’s because I knew today would be different. It’s going to be a hell of a journey and one that I’m facing somewhat alone. If I can overcome this then hell, I can do anything. For the first time in a long time, I actually woke up happy to be alive. I was happy to start living rather than just surviving. I have goals for the future and I plan to kick the hell out of this illness once and for all. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same place/situation as me, you can do it. I believe in you. We will get better together. We’ll stop being afraid to live and we will make our lives what we want them to be, not what our mental illness makes us.

I went to see my doctor this morning. He’s given me some stronger medication. Now if you’re anything like me then you’ll hate the idea of mediation to make you better. I was the same but then I realised, it’s going to help me. They were developed purely to help people overcome this. Of course they’re not going to solve everything but they’re a step in the right direction and will give me a kick start. The rest is up to me. I left the doctors feeling super positive. I’d had a big day already and it was only 10:30am. I made myself a drink and settled on the sofa for a bit with the TV. I was thinking about everything the doctor said and I remembered he suggested exercise. It has been a good while since I truly did any decent exercise. Sad, I know. So I stuck some music on and did a good 20 minute workout. I’m absolutely shattered now but it was well worth it. The one thing I’m worrying about is burning myself out in the first few days. It’s going to have to be slow and steady in order to get to my target. If at least half of the days are like this though, I’ll make it. You know what the best thing is? I don’t even want a cigarette or a drop of alcohol. No more. I’m done with them both. Hell, if I’m going to become better in myself, I may as well do the same with my body! Now to curl up with a book, some chocolate and a cuppa. Today is the first step up the staircase of my dreams. I’m going to win the war between me and my depression and anxiety once and for all.  I am so ready for this. Bring. It. On.

IMG20160330133658