Alive.

I sit here in the bath and I think about the past 6 month . What a whirlwind. My mind wanders onto alcohol.

I barely drink anymore. I haven’t been out properly ages (minus 2 nights out for my 21st). That’s a big improvement for me as I used to go out twice a week and get absolutely hammered. Now, even if I’m staying in, I barely drink. I bought a bottle of wine after work on Friday as I’d had a particularly stressful week. I poured a glass, took 3 sips and didn’t even want it. It was my favourite wine. I can’t believe how far I have come. So for those who feel they need to say this, that and whatever about my drinking; look where I am now. I am healthy, happy and nothing in the world can fucking stop me.

I’ve proved you wrong. More importantly, I’ve proved something to myself!

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Strength.

I am not weak.

I have been through hell and here I am. Alive. To call someone weak when they have once wanted to end their life but found a way to live, is disgusting. I am strong. I have always been strong. Yes, I drink. Thing is, I am able to drink now. I can go out for a few drinks with my friends, have a good time, not make a fool of myself and just enjoy myself. Just because I drink does not mean I am weak. If I can go out, drink, get a takeaway and get home without being stupidly drunk and paralytic, then I don’t see an issue.

I am angry. Very angry. You still read my blog and chuckle at my weakness’s and flaws? I am a human being. We all have those. The difference between me and you, is that I have lived. I have been through a whole lot of shit and you will never be able to understand that unless you’ve been in my position. That isn’t to say you haven’t been through things, we all have. They are just very different things.

I don’t understand how you can have so much hate for a person. I strive to be a good person and I know that I am. I won’t let you or anybody tell me otherwise.

Other than this, I am doing wonderfully. Minus having the flu, of course.

Ciao x

Relapse. (TRIGGER WARNING)

TRIGGER WARNING. This post may trigger you if you’re struggling with alcoholism. Please don’t read if you think it may trigger you or anything like that. I don’t want my struggle and relapse to affect anybody and make them get to the same point as me.

I drank. I drank a lot. Yet again it was a bad idea.

Why did I do it? I honestly have no answer to that. Maybe it’s because I could. I felt better before and I thought I could handle it. The person I am when drunk is not the same person as when sober. It rules my life. Yes. I said it. I depend on alcohol. The problem is, I get drunk and suddenly my phone comes out. The world is such a technological place that we have devices where you can message an ex, call a friend and be a bitch at the press of a button. I hate it. I really do. Yet I can’t take it away. I don’t want to stop drinking. Maybe I won’t. Maybe if I drink then my phone stays at home. I still feel better than before, now that I have sobered up. I don’t have anxiety today. I feel free.

Having read my ex boyfriends blog post today, I’ve had a bit of a reality slap. Yes me and alcohol is a bad mix. But isn’t it like that with everyone? I rarely speak to people who have no regrets from the night before. I’m 20 years old, I want to go on nights out and enjoy wine, cider and rum. I may be on a self destructive path but I won’t let it ruin me. I am recovering and I shall continue to recover. Alcohol or no alcohol. Yes I may have cried when out and yes I may have had an argument with my ex boyfriend but other than that, what harm have I really done? I don’t know. Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I already have.

Off to play pool. Ciao.

Day 3.

1pm
I woke up fairly early today. Around 8am which after getting to sleep around 2am was unexpected. I stayed at Marks last night so I slept on the sofa as usual. I woke up alone and just laid there overthinking everything like always. I miss him. I really miss him. We’ve gone from speaking pretty much all day, every day, to having no contact at all. It’s difficult. After spending maybe an hour or so just laid there, I managed to drift off to sleep again. When I woke up, it was around 11ish. I still felt really down but I got off my arse and make some breakfast and a cuppa. I’ve just sat here and relaxed since then and its now 1pm. I think I may work out and read a bit of my book.
1:30pm
I’ve just done a quick 25 minute workout and I’m more unfit than I thought. I did enjoy it though. I might have a quick drink and then head out for a walk. This exercising stuff is great, even if I am knackered! It takes my mind off everything for a little while which is lovely. I’m also thoroughly enjoying writing my journal.
2pm
So I made some lunch, just plain old chicken and rice which was okay. I was going to go for a walk but its now raining and I don’t feel up to it. 24 hours in A&E and a nap I think.
6pm
So I had a good 3 hour nap which was delightful. Mum has lent me £20 so that I can go out for a little bit tonight. I’m not sure if I’m 100% up to it but I’d at least like to try. I can always come back if I need to. We haven’t fully decided what we’re doing but I kinda want to go to the exchange. I just feel like I need to get out and do something, put on a brave face.
7:30pm
It turns out that we are going to the exchange but there’s going to be a few people that I don’t really get on with, I’m extremely anxious. I need to face my fears though, I’m sure it’ll be fine. If not then I’ll just head home.
4:35am
We went to the exchange to see Slipknowt. It was okay, I enjoyed it. We ended up in K2 which was the first time I’ve done it sober. It went okayish. It was kinda nice to see everyone drunk and trying to pull and not want to partake. I loved the fact that I had absolutely no interest in pulling or even flirting with anyone. I just danced and enjoyed time with my friends. Not a single drop of alcohol was had. I’m now back at Mark’s and absolutely wide awake. I’d really like to just snuggle up with my love but of course that’s not going to happen. Its times like this that I need to be strong. I shall drink my cuppa, watch TV and try to be alone with my thoughts until I drift off. Day 3 done.

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Day 1.

This is it. My first day of recovery. I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed. I think it’s because I knew today would be different. It’s going to be a hell of a journey and one that I’m facing somewhat alone. If I can overcome this then hell, I can do anything. For the first time in a long time, I actually woke up happy to be alive. I was happy to start living rather than just surviving. I have goals for the future and I plan to kick the hell out of this illness once and for all. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same place/situation as me, you can do it. I believe in you. We will get better together. We’ll stop being afraid to live and we will make our lives what we want them to be, not what our mental illness makes us.

I went to see my doctor this morning. He’s given me some stronger medication. Now if you’re anything like me then you’ll hate the idea of mediation to make you better. I was the same but then I realised, it’s going to help me. They were developed purely to help people overcome this. Of course they’re not going to solve everything but they’re a step in the right direction and will give me a kick start. The rest is up to me. I left the doctors feeling super positive. I’d had a big day already and it was only 10:30am. I made myself a drink and settled on the sofa for a bit with the TV. I was thinking about everything the doctor said and I remembered he suggested exercise. It has been a good while since I truly did any decent exercise. Sad, I know. So I stuck some music on and did a good 20 minute workout. I’m absolutely shattered now but it was well worth it. The one thing I’m worrying about is burning myself out in the first few days. It’s going to have to be slow and steady in order to get to my target. If at least half of the days are like this though, I’ll make it. You know what the best thing is? I don’t even want a cigarette or a drop of alcohol. No more. I’m done with them both. Hell, if I’m going to become better in myself, I may as well do the same with my body! Now to curl up with a book, some chocolate and a cuppa. Today is the first step up the staircase of my dreams. I’m going to win the war between me and my depression and anxiety once and for all.  I am so ready for this. Bring. It. On.

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First Week Sober

It’s official. I’ve been sober (pretty much) for a whole week. I haven’t done this in a looooong time. So how am I doing?

Wonderfully. I have never felt so positive. There has been times where I really could have done with a glass of wine but I’ve stuck to my rules. I admit that I had one glass of wine last Saturday, to calm some anxiety and to try kick a terrible hangover. Other than that I’m managed to overcome my cravings by putting the kettle on and making a cuppa. I went out on a night out last night and didn’t have a single drink. I had a fantastic time. In fact, probably a better time than if I was drinking. I also went out this Saturday to a gig and didn’t have a single drink! It was quite nice to watch all the drunken people dancing and making fools of themselves. It actually made me realise something. I always thought that alcohol was what gave me confidence but I already have that. I’m not afraid to have a little dance when I’m out and sober. Even if I didn’t because of extreme exhaustion! It was a lovely night and I enjoyed being able to get in and not stumble or slur my words. It was even nicer to fall asleep without having the room spin and wake up without a banging headache.

I’m insanely proud that I’ve managed to do the first week. It’s a big deal for me. I feel so much better in myself already and I know I can keep at it. I’ve had a great week and none of it has been alcohol fuelled. It may sound strange to some of you but I feel like a human being again. I feel like a person. Crazy right? I can’t explain it but I know what I mean so I guess that’s all that matters! Anyway, I know that it’s going to get harder, but I’m ready for it!

Non-alcoholic cheers! x

“Why don’t you drink?”

I expect this is a question that I’ll start hearing often. Yes, I’m giving up drinking alcohol. There’s a sentence that I never thought I’d say. It has to be done.

I am 20, people my age are known for partying, drinking and having fun. The thing is, when does it go from being fun to being a need? When I feel like I need a drink to calm me down? When I need a drink to feel myself? I don’t want to need it, I don’t want it to be an essential part of my life.

I’ve hurt people when I’ve been drunk and not realised what I’m doing. So I’m done. I don’t want to waste any more of my time being drunk and hurting people. I want to be able to go out and enjoy myself…sober. I went out the other night to a gig, everyone was drinking and I stopped myself. Yeah, I admit, I had one glass of wine. Mainly to kick my hangover and to give me a bit of liquid confidence. That’s still something I’m proud of, I would usually have drank far too much and not remembered much of the night. However, I do remember it, I had a great time and I didn’t need to be horrendously drunk in order to enjoy it.

So from now on, if you see me on a night out without a drink, don’t ask me why. Don’t say anything about it at all. I can do this, I will do this. I’m on the path to becoming better…to becoming me again and I’m excited.

Cheers for reading x