I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.
The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans.
If you have read my previous posts then you shall be aware that me and my boyfriend split up last Monday. I felt like now was the time to address the matter and to give you all an update on how I am doing.
I’m not going to go into detail of what happened but just know that I did something stupid and it caused the end of our relationship.
I’m still hurting, possibly more so now than I was last week. I’m also quite angry. Yes, I know that it was me that caused him to leave but he had always said he would be here throughout my recovery. Yes I had a relapse but I’m back up and into it again. He said he wouldn’t leave but he has walked away and left me facing the most difficult journey of my life alone. Do I have the right to be upset and angry? After all, it is my fault. But then I think that actually, I’m back on track again. I’m doing even better than before yet he’s still gone. Everything is reminding me of him at the moment. I know that I need to move on but I’m still grieving. Once someone packs up and removes themselves completely from your life with no contact, it’s almost as if they’ve died (morbid I know). You have no way to speak to them, no way to see them. They’re just gone. I don’t think I could ever do that. Just remove myself from someone’s life. I know how much it hurts to be in their position.
Anyway, I’d say I’m still struggling with it. Like last night for example, I had a great night until I left the club. Everyone was giggling with their friends or other halves and I was just so lonely. Of course I could have gone and found a stranger to be with but I don’t want that. I want that one certain person. I can tell everyone that I’m mad, that I don’t care and all that other bullshit but let’s face facts…I’m hurt, angry, alone and grieving and I don’t feel that will change any time soon.
Of course I know that I will get over it eventually. Everybody always does. I guess if things between us are truly meant to be then something will bring us together again. Maybe we’ll drink tea and catch up on each other’s lives. Maybe we’ll giggle and pretend nothing ever happened. Maybe we’ll fall in love with each other all over again. Who knows. It isn’t up to me to decide. It’s in fate’s hands.
From now on, I shall be found in my bedroom sipping tea, reading wonderful works of fiction and pondering life. Alone but recovering.
It’s 8am whilst the rest of the world is full of life, getting ready for work, taking their kids to school and just being awake, I’m laid here missing him. It may seem like an odd time to miss someone but when they’re always the first thing you think about in a morning, it’s difficult. I’m upset. I’m lonely. I’m angry. Angry because whatever it is that has caused this mental illness has caused me to push away the love of my life. I just know that if I was better it wouldn’t have happened and I get so angry because I can’t control it. I want him. I shall always want him. There will never truly be anybody else. We were just…made for each other. Yin and yang. Sun and moon. I hope one day I see him again. I hope that some higher power pulls us together again and I shall never let him go. If there is a god(s) then I shall pray for that every day. I want to feel his arms around me again. Feel his touch on my skin. Feel the safety of his kiss on my forehead. The soft breaths as he tells me that he loves me.
So as the rest of the world moves on and lives through another day, I lay here and daydream of what might have been. What could have happened. What should have happened.
Blimey. I always ask myself the difficult questions.
I suppose everybody has a different view as to what friendship is. Maybe I’ll just list a few obvious yet, essential things;
- Going out together
- Being silly together
- Being there for each other
- Having a laugh
- Enjoying each other’s company
- Choosing outfits together
- Doing each other’s hair and makeup
- Texting constantly
These things might make a good, fun friendship but what makes you choose someone to be your friend? Is it the way they make you laugh? Do you enjoy their company? Or is it the face that there will always be somebody there? Somebody to laugh with or cry with. Somebody to just feel with. If something happens in your life, you immediately turn to your friends for guidance and courage. That’s friendship to me. Helping somebody get through the tough times in their life, whether they like it or not.
I say all of this about being a good friend, but I haven’t been one myself lately. I admit that. I’ve been caught up in, I guess you could call it mental illness, and it’s time to change that. I want my life back. I have always thought of myself as a good friend, somebody who you can come to. I want to get back to that. I want to be a friend that people can rely on, that’s always there to offer a word of advice, a laugh, a cuddle or even a shoulder to cry on. I value my friends more than the world, the moon and the sun and to think that I very well may have lost them over a few stupid inconsiderate mistakes kills me. Why am I writing this, you may ask? I’m not entirely sure, it’s highly unlikely that it’ll be read by those it’s aimed at. Maybe it’s a release. Maybe I just needed to get these thoughts out and I guess if I can make just one person value their friendships and not mess them up like I have, I’ll have made a difference.
Of course, I shall take you with me on my journey to becoming a better me, a better friend, a better woman. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Is our sole purpose in life to love and be loved? I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. I see people that have been alone for decades and I wonder if they really are truly happy. Can you be happy without a soul mate? Do they even exist? Sometimes I think that I’m a firm believer in fate, other times it just seems like total nonsense. I guess soul mates do exist to a certain extent, perhaps not someone you’re going to fall in love with, but someone who enters your life for one purpose or another. Those who appear at what seems to be the perfect moment for the perfect reason. You fall in love with them, with their soul and every fibre of their being. Not always romantically, you never want them to leave your life because they bring so much joy and happiness. They make you feel like you’re at home, you’re safe. Someone once said you can find soul mates not only in lovers but also in friends. I like that.