Invisible Illness.

I’m really annoyed and upset. Like, seriously. I’ve had a long day today, I worked 9-3 then nipped home for half an hour and came back out to see some friends. I’m exhausted. Really unbelievably exhausted. To the point where I can barely hold myself up. I left early and went to the bus stop to wait for my bus. I had a twenty minute wait. Now, standing for this long is usually easy for a regular person. When you’re battling ME…not so much. I found a small ledge by the bus stop and plonked myself down, it was either that or I was going to fall down. As I did so, a middle aged woman gave me a look of disgust and shook her head. It took every fragile bone in my body not to confront her. She walked past and to be honest, I got quite upset. So there I was, teary, exhausted and sat on a ledge in the middle of Leeds. It was at this point I started realising how much of a mess the world is in.

I have an invisible illness and as the name suggests, it’s invisible. You can’t see it. You don’t know its there. I mean, most people don’t even know it exists. This really gets to me. I’ve been on buses where I’ve had to stand for half an hour because all the seats are gone. I’ve seen people give up their seats to able and active senior citizens. What about me? I was clearly in pain. What? Because I’m young I’m fine? No. Nobody seems to understand what I go through on a day to day basis. Nobody cares. If somebody has a visible illness, it’s real to people. They can see it, it’s there. I can guarantee that I struggle just as much as they do, I’m in pain 24/7. Yet because I can’t prove it or show anyone, I’m lying.

The new manager at work told my colleague that I was flaky. Thankfully my colleague is a good friend and understands what I deal with. She shot her straight down.

“Actually, hang on a minute, this girl is 21 years old and has ME. She has worked 10am-6pm for over a month for us and it’s almost killed her. Yet, here she is, still working for you and coming in on what she thought was her week off.”

That made me livid. How dare she say I’m flaky. I shouldn’t have even been working full time. I went from 8 months off because of illness to full time almost instantly and was always on time and always working to my best standard. That’s incredible.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post as I’m angry, upset and on a bus. I’m in pain. Everything hurts and I can barely move.

I’ll make a better post soon. Just needed to vent.

Love you all x

Day 102 – Update and Smiles.

How did this happen?! It’s day 102. I’m a bit gutted that I missed day 100 but what can you do?

This is probably going to be quite a lengthy post because I have loads to update you all on!

So what’s been happening recently?

Well, me and Kristian have started making plans to move in together (crazy right?) I vowed to never think about that for a long time after my previous relationship. Yet here I am, excited about the future with my partner. I see us living in our own place together (the bat cave as he calls it) with our pets, all 6 of the furry little horrors. I don’t want to look to far into the future though, I want it to be an adventure. Our very own journey together filled with surprise, happiness and love. Let it begin! 😀

In other news, my job is still a bit uncertain but y’know what? It’ll work out, everything always works out. I’ll either be able to stay here or I’ll find something else. It’s all experience and it’ll all be fine.

I’ve gotten back into crafty things now, my life seems to revolve around crafts or DIY’s when I’m not at work. That and Pokemon. This weekend I started a matchstick model which is the one most infuriating thing I have ever done, enjoyable but frustrating! I also started work on some of my foil engravings which are fast becoming a favourite project due to how stunning they are when finished.

I have plans for my bedroom to make it more homely and lovely until I get moved out which includes wall hangings, quotes, plants and a new desk so I can be crafty and comfortable!

My hair has changed again! Then again, who is that surprising? It’s now a lot shorter and is Red, ginger didn’t make me happy enough. I was tempted to go for Purple, however I wasn’t completely taken with itso Red it was and I am over the moon with it!

I have a couple of tattoo ideas in mind, the first being four small birds on my collar bone to symbolise my grandparents. I also want something to symbolise how far I’ve come in my recovery process. I’ll keep you updated on that one.

Mental health wise, I’m getting there. I took some time off of my tablets. It sounds stupid but hear me out. If any of you have been on anti depressants or anti anxiety meds then you will know how they make you feel. I felt sort of numb. I had basically no emotions. I just couldn’t cry, like at all, when all I wanted was to sob and sob until it my lungs burnt and my eyes were sore. I don’t know why I decided to take some time off from them but I did and it’s given me a better outlook. Whilst I feel more human when I don’t take them, I am much more of a mess. I feel it’s better to take them for not only my sanity, but for those around me. Eventually I hope to lower my dose and come off of them completely but for now, I shall continue.

Even though my journey will never truly be over, I feel I am a good path. I have so much to be thankful for. I am happy. How long that lasts, I have no idea but for now, it’s amazing. I have such a great outlook on life. I am no longer dwelling on all the bad things that have happened. I don’t find myself going online and searching specific people only to end up in a pool of despair. Instead, I get on with my day to day life, doing things that I enjoy and being truly grateful for my wonderful family and amazing man that I have in my life.

Looking to the present and finally being myself.

Much love to you all, I hope you find happiness ❤

 

Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

Strength.

I am not weak.

I have been through hell and here I am. Alive. To call someone weak when they have once wanted to end their life but found a way to live, is disgusting. I am strong. I have always been strong. Yes, I drink. Thing is, I am able to drink now. I can go out for a few drinks with my friends, have a good time, not make a fool of myself and just enjoy myself. Just because I drink does not mean I am weak. If I can go out, drink, get a takeaway and get home without being stupidly drunk and paralytic, then I don’t see an issue.

I am angry. Very angry. You still read my blog and chuckle at my weakness’s and flaws? I am a human being. We all have those. The difference between me and you, is that I have lived. I have been through a whole lot of shit and you will never be able to understand that unless you’ve been in my position. That isn’t to say you haven’t been through things, we all have. They are just very different things.

I don’t understand how you can have so much hate for a person. I strive to be a good person and I know that I am. I won’t let you or anybody tell me otherwise.

Other than this, I am doing wonderfully. Minus having the flu, of course.

Ciao x

Yup.

I honestly have no idea what to name this post…it’s going to be a bit all over the place as per usual.

I feel a little detached today. I’m not entirely sure why. I just kind of feel like life is passing me by. I go through the days and don’t really do much any more. I have never felt so bored hahah.

I think I’m getting to the point where I want to be back at work. That’s something I never thought I would say. But yes. I want to work again. Maybe not full time 37+ hours a week like I used to, I just need something a few days a week and I will be happy. I’ll ease myself into it.

Kristian says he will help me look into some options when I see him on Thursday which is nice. It makes me feel very lucky that he’s willing to help.

On another note, I discovered today that one of my….well I thought he was a friend, has removed me on facebook and is no longer speaking to me. I really cannot figure out why. As Mark always says, have an open door policy. If someone wants to walk out of your life, leave the door open for them to leave. Someone I know always used to say “Lose one friend, gain another.” so here’s my fingers crossed that I find a couple of new friends soon that I can pour love into.

Overall, life is on the up. Minus being skint as per usual and needing to buy multiple things, I’m doing well. I feel like I can get back into writing again. I feel like I haven’t written this much in a while and it’s nice. It’s calming on the soul.

I’m kind of overwhelmed with memories this evening which is slightly comforting, if a little sad. Ah well. It’s the past. I’m looking to the present and the future now, no longer stuck in the past.

 

More in a few days. Love you all. Ciao x

Day 37.

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7 days ago I said I would post an update. Did I? Of course I didn’t. You all know that I’m uselss at posting when I say that I will but I’ve been a busy girly.

Last weekend was a pretty crazy one. Friday meant a night out and of course the ‘wonderful’ K2. I actually had a great night. Then we went out on Sunday for bank holiday which was just as eventful but this time – no K2.

I put in a previous post about how I had a date and that went well. In fact, guess who’s now in a relationship? That’s right! I am! I’m a super happy lady at the minute which is such a nice change. I mean we made it official outside K2 but we’ll laugh back at that in the future. I’m looking at things more positively. This is proof that things do get better, it just takes some time. It’s day 37 of recovery and it’s felt like much longer. I’ve made it though. I’m actually at a point where I feel so good that I’m struggling to write. That’s why I haven’t really been posting because I’ve not had much to say. Isn’t it strange how when you’re down you can write and write and write but when you’re happy then you struggle. One day, I’ll rectify that.

Anyway, stuck for words now so I shall sign off.

Much love to everyone that’s been here for me and posting kind words, you’re all awesome. And always remember, no matter how impossible it feels, it does get better.

Ciao x

Home.

Hello! I am home!

What a mental weekend. I have had such an amazing time and I’m actually sad to be back. This weekend was full of laughter, happiness, drinking, food and so many other words that I can’t think of!

For once, all my problems seemed irrelevant. I couldn’t be happier than I was there. Everything was okay. I have made memories that will last a lifetime. I just can’t express how amazing it was. I just felt so free and like nothing else mattered. I could be myself. I met some truly incredible people, saw some breathtaking sights and just thoroughly enjoyed myself! Even when dad was disappearing into the distance whilst I was sorting out a taxi!

I’m sad to be home but it is now back to reality. Though I do feel much more relaxed and have a new outlook on life. Also on the plus side, I have a date today. I wonder how that will go. I’m apprehensive yet I have good vibes. We’ve known each other for 3 years but haven’t seen each other recently. I always had a soft spot for him.

Stay safe, be happy, be you. Ciao x

Ps. I’m still loving the black and white

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