Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

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Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

Going away for a few days.

Tomorrow I fly to Holland for a few days. I’m excited. Mainly because I need this break, to get away from everything. It will be great.

This week has been filled with happiness. Fun times with friends who I couldn’t live without.

My soul is on the mend.

Sorry for the short post. I shall write you all a lovely long blog post when I return. Photos are of this week, I have a new obsession with black and white. Have a nice weekend and stay strong. Ciao x

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Apollo and Artemis

I am a torrent of darkness,

under the never setting sun.

Two opposites are we,

Together as one.

Underneath the light,

of the never setting sun.

We are that inconsequential difference,

you know the one I mean,

between love and lust

that’s rarely ever seen.

I’ll be your moon,

You’ll be my sun.

You’ll be my Apollo

and I your Artemis.

Together as one,

for all eternity.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“Harry,” said Basil Hallward, looking him straight in the face, “every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have show in it the secret of my own soul.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Why don’t you drink?”

I expect this is a question that I’ll start hearing often. Yes, I’m giving up drinking alcohol. There’s a sentence that I never thought I’d say. It has to be done.

I am 20, people my age are known for partying, drinking and having fun. The thing is, when does it go from being fun to being a need? When I feel like I need a drink to calm me down? When I need a drink to feel myself? I don’t want to need it, I don’t want it to be an essential part of my life.

I’ve hurt people when I’ve been drunk and not realised what I’m doing. So I’m done. I don’t want to waste any more of my time being drunk and hurting people. I want to be able to go out and enjoy myself…sober. I went out the other night to a gig, everyone was drinking and I stopped myself. Yeah, I admit, I had one glass of wine. Mainly to kick my hangover and to give me a bit of liquid confidence. That’s still something I’m proud of, I would usually have drank far too much and not remembered much of the night. However, I do remember it, I had a great time and I didn’t need to be horrendously drunk in order to enjoy it.

So from now on, if you see me on a night out without a drink, don’t ask me why. Don’t say anything about it at all. I can do this, I will do this. I’m on the path to becoming better…to becoming me again and I’m excited.

Cheers for reading x

“Welcome to Society”

I came across a poem recently and it’s been on my mind ever since. It’s one of
those that you just instantly identify with. I guess you need to read it to
understand what I’m about to ramble on about. Here;

‘Welcome to society,
We hope you enjoy your stay,
And please feel free to be yourself,
As long as it’s in the right way,
Make sure you love your body,
Not too much or we’ll tear you down,
We’ll bully you for smiling,
And then wonder why you frown,
We’ll tell you that you’re worthless,
That you shouldn’t make a sound,
And then cry with all the others,
As you’re buried in the ground,
You can fall in love with anyone,
As long as it’s who we choose,
And we’ll let you have your opinions,
But please shape them to our views,
Welcome to society,
We promise that we won’t deceive,
And one more rule now that you’re here,
There’s no way you can leave.’ – E.H

I’m sure anybody that reads this will identify with it too. Society has been destroyed. I remember when I was growing up, I never had a care in the world. I didn’t care what I wore, how I look, what I did. I did everything for myself. Then it came time to go to secondary school and oh boy, did things change. I was never like most of the other girls. I didn’t have fancy clothes, I didn’t wear make-up, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care until they did. They picked on me for everything. And I mean everything. It got to the point where I started to actually think there was something wrong with me. I thought I was supposed to be like them. I was brainwashed. Society changes people. It makes people nasty. Nobody should be the same. Nobody should be judged. Do what the hell you want to do. I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day, all I kept seeing was posts about how you should do your make-up, what to wear for your body type and other similar things. I snapped. I got really angry. Women should not be made to think they have to do things a certain way or look a certain way. If you’re happy in yourself then that’s all that should matter. Wear what you want to wear, look how you want to look! As soon as I started to realise that none of it mattered, I’ve been much happier. Everyone should be happy in their own skin. Nobody should be allowed to ruin somebody else’s happiness because of how they look. You do you. You want to wear that outfit that doesn’t follow the fashion trends? You rock that outfit! You want to do your make-up differently to what’s in the magazines? You go for it! Do whatever the hell you want to do, don’t let anyone make you choose differently!

Fuck Society.

Soulmates.

Is our sole purpose in life to love and be loved? I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. I see people that have been alone for decades and I wonder if they really are truly happy. Can you be happy without a soul mate? Do they even exist? Sometimes I think that I’m a firm believer in fate, other times it just seems like total nonsense. I guess soul mates do exist to a certain extent, perhaps not someone you’re going to fall in love with, but someone who enters your life for one purpose or another. Those who appear at what seems to be the perfect moment for the perfect reason. You fall in love with them, with their soul and every fibre of their being. Not always romantically, you never want them to leave your life because they bring so much joy and happiness. They make you feel like you’re at home, you’re safe. Someone once said you can find soul mates not only in lovers but also in friends. I like that.