Day 102 – Update and Smiles.

How did this happen?! It’s day 102. I’m a bit gutted that I missed day 100 but what can you do?

This is probably going to be quite a lengthy post because I have loads to update you all on!

So what’s been happening recently?

Well, me and Kristian have started making plans to move in together (crazy right?) I vowed to never think about that for a long time after my previous relationship. Yet here I am, excited about the future with my partner. I see us living in our own place together (the bat cave as he calls it) with our pets, all 6 of the furry little horrors. I don’t want to look to far into the future though, I want it to be an adventure. Our very own journey together filled with surprise, happiness and love. Let it begin! 😀

In other news, my job is still a bit uncertain but y’know what? It’ll work out, everything always works out. I’ll either be able to stay here or I’ll find something else. It’s all experience and it’ll all be fine.

I’ve gotten back into crafty things now, my life seems to revolve around crafts or DIY’s when I’m not at work. That and Pokemon. This weekend I started a matchstick model which is the one most infuriating thing I have ever done, enjoyable but frustrating! I also started work on some of my foil engravings which are fast becoming a favourite project due to how stunning they are when finished.

I have plans for my bedroom to make it more homely and lovely until I get moved out which includes wall hangings, quotes, plants and a new desk so I can be crafty and comfortable!

My hair has changed again! Then again, who is that surprising? It’s now a lot shorter and is Red, ginger didn’t make me happy enough. I was tempted to go for Purple, however I wasn’t completely taken with itso Red it was and I am over the moon with it!

I have a couple of tattoo ideas in mind, the first being four small birds on my collar bone to symbolise my grandparents. I also want something to symbolise how far I’ve come in my recovery process. I’ll keep you updated on that one.

Mental health wise, I’m getting there. I took some time off of my tablets. It sounds stupid but hear me out. If any of you have been on anti depressants or anti anxiety meds then you will know how they make you feel. I felt sort of numb. I had basically no emotions. I just couldn’t cry, like at all, when all I wanted was to sob and sob until it my lungs burnt and my eyes were sore. I don’t know why I decided to take some time off from them but I did and it’s given me a better outlook. Whilst I feel more human when I don’t take them, I am much more of a mess. I feel it’s better to take them for not only my sanity, but for those around me. Eventually I hope to lower my dose and come off of them completely but for now, I shall continue.

Even though my journey will never truly be over, I feel I am a good path. I have so much to be thankful for. I am happy. How long that lasts, I have no idea but for now, it’s amazing. I have such a great outlook on life. I am no longer dwelling on all the bad things that have happened. I don’t find myself going online and searching specific people only to end up in a pool of despair. Instead, I get on with my day to day life, doing things that I enjoy and being truly grateful for my wonderful family and amazing man that I have in my life.

Looking to the present and finally being myself.

Much love to you all, I hope you find happiness ❤

 

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Spoilt.

Today is my 21st birthday and I’ve been well and truly spoilt.

My manager at work got me a gorgeous ring and birthday cake.

My boyfriend treated me last week and has had some beautiful flowers delivered to my work.

My parents made an extra special fuss this morning with banners and cake.

I’ve spoilt myself and been out shopping.

I’ve never been so happy to have such amazing people around me. They’re amazing.

Now to work until 6pm and then go out for drinks and dancing this evening 🙂

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Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

Day 37.

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7 days ago I said I would post an update. Did I? Of course I didn’t. You all know that I’m uselss at posting when I say that I will but I’ve been a busy girly.

Last weekend was a pretty crazy one. Friday meant a night out and of course the ‘wonderful’ K2. I actually had a great night. Then we went out on Sunday for bank holiday which was just as eventful but this time – no K2.

I put in a previous post about how I had a date and that went well. In fact, guess who’s now in a relationship? That’s right! I am! I’m a super happy lady at the minute which is such a nice change. I mean we made it official outside K2 but we’ll laugh back at that in the future. I’m looking at things more positively. This is proof that things do get better, it just takes some time. It’s day 37 of recovery and it’s felt like much longer. I’ve made it though. I’m actually at a point where I feel so good that I’m struggling to write. That’s why I haven’t really been posting because I’ve not had much to say. Isn’t it strange how when you’re down you can write and write and write but when you’re happy then you struggle. One day, I’ll rectify that.

Anyway, stuck for words now so I shall sign off.

Much love to everyone that’s been here for me and posting kind words, you’re all awesome. And always remember, no matter how impossible it feels, it does get better.

Ciao x

Going away for a few days.

Tomorrow I fly to Holland for a few days. I’m excited. Mainly because I need this break, to get away from everything. It will be great.

This week has been filled with happiness. Fun times with friends who I couldn’t live without.

My soul is on the mend.

Sorry for the short post. I shall write you all a lovely long blog post when I return. Photos are of this week, I have a new obsession with black and white. Have a nice weekend and stay strong. Ciao x

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Apollo and Artemis

I am a torrent of darkness,

under the never setting sun.

Two opposites are we,

Together as one.

Underneath the light,

of the never setting sun.

We are that inconsequential difference,

you know the one I mean,

between love and lust

that’s rarely ever seen.

I’ll be your moon,

You’ll be my sun.

You’ll be my Apollo

and I your Artemis.

Together as one,

for all eternity.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“Harry,” said Basil Hallward, looking him straight in the face, “every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have show in it the secret of my own soul.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Soulmates.

Is our sole purpose in life to love and be loved? I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. I see people that have been alone for decades and I wonder if they really are truly happy. Can you be happy without a soul mate? Do they even exist? Sometimes I think that I’m a firm believer in fate, other times it just seems like total nonsense. I guess soul mates do exist to a certain extent, perhaps not someone you’re going to fall in love with, but someone who enters your life for one purpose or another. Those who appear at what seems to be the perfect moment for the perfect reason. You fall in love with them, with their soul and every fibre of their being. Not always romantically, you never want them to leave your life because they bring so much joy and happiness. They make you feel like you’re at home, you’re safe. Someone once said you can find soul mates not only in lovers but also in friends. I like that.