Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

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Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

First Week Sober

It’s official. I’ve been sober (pretty much) for a whole week. I haven’t done this in a looooong time. So how am I doing?

Wonderfully. I have never felt so positive. There has been times where I really could have done with a glass of wine but I’ve stuck to my rules. I admit that I had one glass of wine last Saturday, to calm some anxiety and to try kick a terrible hangover. Other than that I’m managed to overcome my cravings by putting the kettle on and making a cuppa. I went out on a night out last night and didn’t have a single drink. I had a fantastic time. In fact, probably a better time than if I was drinking. I also went out this Saturday to a gig and didn’t have a single drink! It was quite nice to watch all the drunken people dancing and making fools of themselves. It actually made me realise something. I always thought that alcohol was what gave me confidence but I already have that. I’m not afraid to have a little dance when I’m out and sober. Even if I didn’t because of extreme exhaustion! It was a lovely night and I enjoyed being able to get in and not stumble or slur my words. It was even nicer to fall asleep without having the room spin and wake up without a banging headache.

I’m insanely proud that I’ve managed to do the first week. It’s a big deal for me. I feel so much better in myself already and I know I can keep at it. I’ve had a great week and none of it has been alcohol fuelled. It may sound strange to some of you but I feel like a human being again. I feel like a person. Crazy right? I can’t explain it but I know what I mean so I guess that’s all that matters! Anyway, I know that it’s going to get harder, but I’m ready for it!

Non-alcoholic cheers! x

What is friendship?

Blimey. I always ask myself the difficult questions.

I suppose everybody has a different view as to what friendship is. Maybe I’ll just list a few obvious yet, essential things;

  • Going out together
  • Being silly together
  • Being there for each other
  • Having a laugh
  • Enjoying each other’s company
  • Choosing outfits together
  • Doing each other’s hair and makeup
  • Texting constantly

These things might make a good, fun friendship but what makes you choose someone to be your friend? Is it the way they make you laugh? Do you enjoy their company? Or is it the face that there will always be somebody there? Somebody to laugh with or cry with. Somebody to just feel with. If something happens in your life, you immediately turn to your friends for guidance and courage. That’s friendship to me. Helping somebody get through the tough times in their life, whether they like it or not.

I say all of this about being a good friend, but I haven’t been one myself lately. I admit that. I’ve been caught up in, I guess you could call it mental illness, and it’s time to change that. I want my life back. I have always thought of myself as a good friend, somebody who you can come to. I want to get back to that. I want to be a friend that people can rely on, that’s always there to offer a word of advice, a laugh, a cuddle or even a shoulder to cry on. I value my friends more than the world, the moon and the sun and to think that I very well may have lost them over a few stupid inconsiderate mistakes kills me. Why am I writing this, you may ask? I’m not entirely sure, it’s highly unlikely that it’ll be read by those it’s aimed at. Maybe it’s a release. Maybe I just needed to get these thoughts out and I guess if I can make just one person value their friendships and not mess them up like I have, I’ll have made a difference.

Of course, I shall take you with me on my journey to becoming a better me, a better friend, a better woman. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

x

Apollo and Artemis

I am a torrent of darkness,

under the never setting sun.

Two opposites are we,

Together as one.

Underneath the light,

of the never setting sun.

We are that inconsequential difference,

you know the one I mean,

between love and lust

that’s rarely ever seen.

I’ll be your moon,

You’ll be my sun.

You’ll be my Apollo

and I your Artemis.

Together as one,

for all eternity.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“Harry,” said Basil Hallward, looking him straight in the face, “every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have show in it the secret of my own soul.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Why don’t you drink?”

I expect this is a question that I’ll start hearing often. Yes, I’m giving up drinking alcohol. There’s a sentence that I never thought I’d say. It has to be done.

I am 20, people my age are known for partying, drinking and having fun. The thing is, when does it go from being fun to being a need? When I feel like I need a drink to calm me down? When I need a drink to feel myself? I don’t want to need it, I don’t want it to be an essential part of my life.

I’ve hurt people when I’ve been drunk and not realised what I’m doing. So I’m done. I don’t want to waste any more of my time being drunk and hurting people. I want to be able to go out and enjoy myself…sober. I went out the other night to a gig, everyone was drinking and I stopped myself. Yeah, I admit, I had one glass of wine. Mainly to kick my hangover and to give me a bit of liquid confidence. That’s still something I’m proud of, I would usually have drank far too much and not remembered much of the night. However, I do remember it, I had a great time and I didn’t need to be horrendously drunk in order to enjoy it.

So from now on, if you see me on a night out without a drink, don’t ask me why. Don’t say anything about it at all. I can do this, I will do this. I’m on the path to becoming better…to becoming me again and I’m excited.

Cheers for reading x