28th September 2016
I think we all forget how fragile life is. We are put on this earth as tiny humans, incapable of caring for ourselves. We grow with our parents love and care. We grow into amazing human beings that are capable of amazing, incredible things. It’s almost too easy to forget that it won’t be that way forever. We make mistakes, we regret, we hate, we cry….but we also make wondrous memories, we love, we laugh, we smile.
It seems that when we know the end is near for someone close to us, we remember all the things we wished we had said sooner, all the things we should have done.
My beloved Grandma was taken into hospital today and is very very ill. At this point, it is highly unlikely she will ever come home. I have this feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel that if I go to sleep, I will wake up and she will be gone, forever.
I have spent the past 4-5 hours thinking about all of the things I wished I’d have said sooner, all the things I should have done with her. I started getting mad at myself…until I started thinking about all of the memories we have shared in my 21 years on this planet. I often use my blog as way to vent, and get my feelings out. Today, at 1am, I would like to share the amazing life I have had with my Grandma. I want to remember the good times.
You have been there to watch over me since the day I was born. A tiny, vulnerable baby that was overwhelmed with love. Ever since that day, you have ensured that I have had everything I needed to blossom into the young woman I am today. When I cried, you sat me on your knee, wiped away my tears and told me it would be okay in the end. You’ve been my idol, you have been my light in times of darkness and a listening ear in times of need. My life without you shall be dull, dark and without your love. I understand that you need to go soon, as much as I wish I could grab you and keep hold of you forever. Grandad is waiting for you, arms wide open waiting for his beautiful flower that he has missed all these years. All of me hopes that you can pull through this, that I can have just a little more time with you, yet I know that is selfish and unlikely. You mustn’t suffer, you must be free to rejoin the love of your life and your family. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be here waiting for the day we can meet you again. We have had some amazing times together, 21 years worth, and I shan’t forget them easily. I hate that you are in pain right now, worried about everyone and everything.
Update – 28th October 2016
I decided not to post this, I’m not sure why. So, Grandma was allowed home a few days after the above, she still wasn’t right. She keeps getting confused. On Monday this week, she was re-admitted with bleeding from a worrying place (don’t want to tmi you guys). She had a scan yesterday, they think it might be her kidneys. The doctor told us yesterday that her kidneys are barely there but “they’ll do”. I spoke to mum yesterday, she’s seen more of Grandma than I have as I have been working during hospital visiting hours. She was upset, she had a chat with Grandma the night before last. Basically it was Grandma saying that if she needs surgery, no matter the risk, she will do it. She also told mum that she would prefer to die in hospital. I’m not quite sure how I’m holding it together…I really think this might be the end for her. I have this feeling in my gut and I feel like she’s slipping away slowly. I just want to be able to help her. She’s so sad. I see the sadness in her eyes. She’s struggling. I am trying to savour the time that we have left together but I haven’t been able to see her much because I have to work. I feel this wave of sadness coming over me, I don’t know how much time I have left with her. I’m losing her. Perhaps not physically but mentally, she’s draining fast. She’s not the bubbly, lighthearted woman that I used to know and that breaks me. She is incredibly strong but I see her getting weaker and weaker. If there is a God/s please, please don’t let her be in pain. If she needs to be free, let her be free.
I am heartbroken and I can’t see why.
We shall see what the next few months…weeks…days brings.