Fragile Regret.

28th September 2016

I think we all forget how fragile life is. We are put on this earth as tiny humans, incapable of caring for ourselves. We grow with our parents love and care. We grow into amazing human beings that are capable of amazing, incredible things. It’s almost too easy to forget that it won’t be that way forever. We make mistakes, we regret, we hate, we cry….but we also make wondrous memories, we love, we laugh, we smile.

It seems that when we know the end is near for someone close to us, we remember all the things we wished we had said sooner, all the things we should have done.

My beloved Grandma was taken into hospital today and is very very ill. At this point, it is highly unlikely she will ever come home. I have this feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel that if I go to sleep, I will wake up and she will be gone, forever.

I have spent the past 4-5 hours thinking about all of the things I wished I’d have said sooner, all the things I should have done with her. I started getting mad at myself…until I started thinking about all of the memories we have shared in my 21 years on this planet. I often use my blog as way to vent, and get my feelings out. Today, at 1am, I would like to share the amazing life I have had with my Grandma. I want to remember the good times.

You have been there to watch over me since the day I was born. A tiny, vulnerable baby that was overwhelmed with love. Ever since that day, you have ensured that I have had everything I needed to blossom into the young woman I am today. When I cried, you sat me on your knee, wiped away my tears and told me it would be okay in the end. You’ve been my idol, you have been my light in times of darkness and a listening ear in times of need. My life without you shall be dull, dark and without your love. I understand that you need to go soon, as much as I wish I could grab you and keep hold of you forever. Grandad is waiting for you, arms wide open waiting for his beautiful flower that he has missed all these years. All of me hopes that you can pull through this, that I can have just a little more time with you, yet I know that is selfish and unlikely. You mustn’t suffer, you must be free to rejoin the love of your life and your family. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be here waiting for the day we can meet you again. We have had some amazing times together, 21 years worth, and I shan’t forget them easily. I hate that you are in pain right now, worried about everyone and everything.

Update – 28th October 2016

I decided not to post this, I’m not sure why. So, Grandma was allowed home a few days after the above, she still wasn’t right. She keeps getting confused. On Monday this week, she was re-admitted with bleeding from a worrying place (don’t want to tmi you guys). She had a scan yesterday, they think it might be her kidneys. The doctor told us yesterday that her kidneys are barely there but “they’ll do”. I spoke to mum yesterday, she’s seen more of Grandma than I have as I have been working during hospital visiting hours. She was upset, she had a chat with Grandma the night before last. Basically it was Grandma saying that if she needs surgery, no matter the risk, she will do it. She also told mum that she would prefer to die in hospital. I’m not quite sure how I’m holding it together…I really think this might be the end for her. I have this feeling in my gut and I feel like she’s slipping away slowly. I just want to be able to help her. She’s so sad. I see the sadness in her eyes. She’s struggling. I am trying to savour the time that we have left together but I haven’t been able to see her much because I have to work. I feel this wave of sadness coming over me, I don’t know how much time I have left with her. I’m losing her. Perhaps not physically but mentally, she’s draining fast. She’s not the bubbly, lighthearted woman that I used to know and that breaks me. She is incredibly strong but I see her getting weaker and weaker. If there is a God/s please, please don’t let her be in pain. If she needs to be free, let her be free.

I am heartbroken and I can’t see why.

We shall see what the next few months…weeks…days brings.

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Children’s Names.

This post may not interest any of you but it’s something I find very interesting. I have a lot of children’s names in mind for if I ever have children and I thought I would share them and their meanings with you.

Female

Kiara – Irish name derived from ciar (black): hence, “black-haired one.” In the U.S., Ciara is pronounced phonetically, rather than with its Gaelic pronunciation of keer-ah.

Asteria – Asteria is the Titaness of nocturnal oracles and falling stars (where we get the word Asteroid from).

Erienne – The Greek Goddess who symbolized peace.

Delphina – Feminine form of the Latin name Delphinus, which meant “of Delphi”. Delphi was a city in ancient Greece, the name of which is possibly related to Greek δελφυς(delphys) “womb”. The Blessed Delphina was a 14th-century Provençal nun.

Ada – The name Ada is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Ada is: Nobility.

Liana – The name Liana is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Liana is: F: Youthful. The feminine form of Julian. Famous Bearer: Former Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.

Penny-Mae – Greek Meaning: The name Penny is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Penny is: Flower. Also a : Bobbin.

Male 

Ezra – The name Ezra is a Hebrew baby name. In Hebrew the meaning of the name Ezrais: Help, helper.

Timothy – The name Timothy is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Timothy is: God’s honour; God fearing.

Nolan – Traditionally an Irish last name. In Gaelic, it means a descendant of a chariot fighter or champion. Other meanings are “famous” and “noble.”

Colby – The name Colby is an Anglo-Saxon baby name. In Anglo-Saxon the meaning of the name Colby is: From the dark village.

Harrison – Transferred use of the surname originating in the Middle Ages as a patronymic meaning “son of Henry” or “son of Harry.”

Oakley – The name Oakley is an English baby name. In English,the meaning of the name Oakley is: From the oak – tree meadow.

Tristan – The name Tristan is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Tristan is: Tumult; outcry. From the Celtic name Tristan. In Arthurian legend Tristanwas a Knight of the Round Table and tragic hero of the medieval tale Tristram and Isolde.

 

Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

8am.

It’s 8am whilst the rest of the world is full of life, getting ready for work, taking their kids to school and just being awake, I’m laid here missing him. It may seem like an odd time to miss someone but when they’re always the first thing you think about in a morning, it’s difficult. I’m upset. I’m lonely. I’m angry. Angry because whatever it is that has caused this mental illness has caused me to push away the love of my life. I just know that if I was better it wouldn’t have happened and I get so angry because I can’t control it. I want him. I shall always want him. There will never truly be anybody else. We were just…made for each other. Yin and yang. Sun and moon. I hope one day I see him again. I hope that some higher power pulls us together again and I shall never let him go. If there is a god(s) then I shall pray for that every day. I want to feel his arms around me again. Feel his touch on my skin. Feel the safety of his kiss on my forehead. The soft breaths as he tells me that he loves me.

So as the rest of the world moves on and lives through another day, I lay here and daydream of what might have been. What could have happened. What should have happened.

image

What is friendship?

Blimey. I always ask myself the difficult questions.

I suppose everybody has a different view as to what friendship is. Maybe I’ll just list a few obvious yet, essential things;

  • Going out together
  • Being silly together
  • Being there for each other
  • Having a laugh
  • Enjoying each other’s company
  • Choosing outfits together
  • Doing each other’s hair and makeup
  • Texting constantly

These things might make a good, fun friendship but what makes you choose someone to be your friend? Is it the way they make you laugh? Do you enjoy their company? Or is it the face that there will always be somebody there? Somebody to laugh with or cry with. Somebody to just feel with. If something happens in your life, you immediately turn to your friends for guidance and courage. That’s friendship to me. Helping somebody get through the tough times in their life, whether they like it or not.

I say all of this about being a good friend, but I haven’t been one myself lately. I admit that. I’ve been caught up in, I guess you could call it mental illness, and it’s time to change that. I want my life back. I have always thought of myself as a good friend, somebody who you can come to. I want to get back to that. I want to be a friend that people can rely on, that’s always there to offer a word of advice, a laugh, a cuddle or even a shoulder to cry on. I value my friends more than the world, the moon and the sun and to think that I very well may have lost them over a few stupid inconsiderate mistakes kills me. Why am I writing this, you may ask? I’m not entirely sure, it’s highly unlikely that it’ll be read by those it’s aimed at. Maybe it’s a release. Maybe I just needed to get these thoughts out and I guess if I can make just one person value their friendships and not mess them up like I have, I’ll have made a difference.

Of course, I shall take you with me on my journey to becoming a better me, a better friend, a better woman. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

x

Apollo and Artemis

I am a torrent of darkness,

under the never setting sun.

Two opposites are we,

Together as one.

Underneath the light,

of the never setting sun.

We are that inconsequential difference,

you know the one I mean,

between love and lust

that’s rarely ever seen.

I’ll be your moon,

You’ll be my sun.

You’ll be my Apollo

and I your Artemis.

Together as one,

for all eternity.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“Harry,” said Basil Hallward, looking him straight in the face, “every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have show in it the secret of my own soul.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Why don’t you drink?”

I expect this is a question that I’ll start hearing often. Yes, I’m giving up drinking alcohol. There’s a sentence that I never thought I’d say. It has to be done.

I am 20, people my age are known for partying, drinking and having fun. The thing is, when does it go from being fun to being a need? When I feel like I need a drink to calm me down? When I need a drink to feel myself? I don’t want to need it, I don’t want it to be an essential part of my life.

I’ve hurt people when I’ve been drunk and not realised what I’m doing. So I’m done. I don’t want to waste any more of my time being drunk and hurting people. I want to be able to go out and enjoy myself…sober. I went out the other night to a gig, everyone was drinking and I stopped myself. Yeah, I admit, I had one glass of wine. Mainly to kick my hangover and to give me a bit of liquid confidence. That’s still something I’m proud of, I would usually have drank far too much and not remembered much of the night. However, I do remember it, I had a great time and I didn’t need to be horrendously drunk in order to enjoy it.

So from now on, if you see me on a night out without a drink, don’t ask me why. Don’t say anything about it at all. I can do this, I will do this. I’m on the path to becoming better…to becoming me again and I’m excited.

Cheers for reading x

Soulmates.

Is our sole purpose in life to love and be loved? I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. I see people that have been alone for decades and I wonder if they really are truly happy. Can you be happy without a soul mate? Do they even exist? Sometimes I think that I’m a firm believer in fate, other times it just seems like total nonsense. I guess soul mates do exist to a certain extent, perhaps not someone you’re going to fall in love with, but someone who enters your life for one purpose or another. Those who appear at what seems to be the perfect moment for the perfect reason. You fall in love with them, with their soul and every fibre of their being. Not always romantically, you never want them to leave your life because they bring so much joy and happiness. They make you feel like you’re at home, you’re safe. Someone once said you can find soul mates not only in lovers but also in friends. I like that.