Live.

I was scrolling through Facebook this lunchtime and I came across a post that said:

‘I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.’

Maybe a few months ago I’d have agreed with this. It sums up just how I felt. Neither living, nor dying. Surviving. Now is a different story. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to feel like that and knowing that other people are still in the mindset now.

I want to live. If someone held a gun to my head,  I would plead and beg for my life. If a car came whilst I was walking over the road, I would leg it to get out of the way. I would never take an opportunity to die. I want to live. It’s like my previous post, I never used to see a future. Now I do. I see myself 5 years down the line, happily settled in my own place. Maybe even engaged and living with a partner. I see myself in a steady job that some days I love, some days I hate. Whilst the future is very daunting and I am somewhat afraid of what the next (hopefully) 40-50 years holds for me, I’m excited. Just think of all the things that I’ll experience within that time. Getting engaged. Getting married. Having little ones running around. Growing old. Experiencing everything that life has to offer. I want to cherish every moment that I am lucky enough to have in this precious life.

It’s amazing to look back and see how far I have come since I first started my recovery. I have never looked back at my previous posts from the very beginning because I know that I am not at the end of my journey. I plan to save them for as long as I can. One day I shall read them.

I have plans. It’s been a while since I’ve had plans.

Bring on the future. x

Advertisements

Continuing My Journey

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’ll know the journey that I have been on. If not, just know that it consists of heartbreak, anxiety, depression and basically was just hell.

I like to think now that I am on a different journey. Perhaps no longer one of recovery. Having said that, I do not mean that I am fully recovered because I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I do not consider myself ‘fixed’.

I still have horrible nightmares, haunting memories and intense feelings of fear. I know that in time they will fade but for now, it’s all part of the path that has been laid out for me.

My journey is not over, just slightly different. I guess you never really end your journey until death, the path you follow changes. You take a different direction at a crossroads.

Life for me is very different now. Instead of fearing pretty much everything and constantly having overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I start the day excited for what’s to come. I’m working now and absolutely loving my job. The long hours are tiring but it’s so beneficial. I’m working as a front of house receptionist at a new office build in Leeds. I meet so many different people day to day and find new challenges to overcome. It’s wonderful.

As for personal life, things are looking up. Not so much at home, things are deteriorating there. I can cope though, spending 40 hours at work each week means that I am rarely home and when I am, I am in my bedroom relaxing. I have a great boyfriend, he really does look after me. We have our arguments, every couple does, but  I would not change it for the world. It feels lovely to have a text in the morning wishing me a good day and a text in the evening asking how my day went. We aren’t going to see each other much this month due to me working and him going away but it’ll make our time together much more special. I am starting to value my friends a lot more also. When you find friends who will stick with you through all your bad moments, you know you have found true friends.

I shall leave this post simply by saying that I hope you have gained something from following my journey so far, and I hope that you will stay for the rest. Blog posts may be scarce this next few weeks as I settle into work but I shall try my best to keep you all updated. I might try a few new ideas for posts too, see how they go. Until then, have a wonderful day and remember, you’re beautiful.

 

Onwards and upwards, the journey continues x

Crossing Oceans.

 

I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and it really made me think about things. I’m usually a bitter woman, I hold grudges. I also tend to fight back a lot. If someone writes something about me, I retaliate. It’s a bad quality to have. Enough. I will do it no more. I don’t want to grow up to be a horrible spiteful woman. I was someone who would be kind to most people unless they did something bad to me. Why? Honestly…I have no reason. Just because someone has done something to hurt or upset you, why retaliate? Why sink to their level? As cheesy as it sounds, you only have one life. You only get to meet people once. I’ve changed my outlook a lot since previous posts. Friends always say to me that if someone wants to be nasty and leave your life, let them and show them the door. No. You have one chance at life and making it the best it can be. Give as much love as you can, be friendly, be kind, be loving. Life is not always about making it better for you, it’s about making it better for others too.

The post that I’m talking about had a lot of hate online. People were saying why should you give so much love when it will eventually wear you down. I don’t believe that it will. I believe that if you give enough love, you’ll feel better for it and lead a fuller and happier life. Why would you donate money to charity, help the homeless or any other causes but not give that same amount of love and care to those closer to you? I’m rambling and I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across. Let’s sum it up. I’m done being horrible. I’m done holding grudges against people. Instead, I shall wish them every happiness on their journey through life. I hope that it gives them everything they may have ever wished for and that they allow themselves to live it to the full- whatever that may be. From now on, I’m going to cross oceans. 

 

Yup.

I honestly have no idea what to name this post…it’s going to be a bit all over the place as per usual.

I feel a little detached today. I’m not entirely sure why. I just kind of feel like life is passing me by. I go through the days and don’t really do much any more. I have never felt so bored hahah.

I think I’m getting to the point where I want to be back at work. That’s something I never thought I would say. But yes. I want to work again. Maybe not full time 37+ hours a week like I used to, I just need something a few days a week and I will be happy. I’ll ease myself into it.

Kristian says he will help me look into some options when I see him on Thursday which is nice. It makes me feel very lucky that he’s willing to help.

On another note, I discovered today that one of my….well I thought he was a friend, has removed me on facebook and is no longer speaking to me. I really cannot figure out why. As Mark always says, have an open door policy. If someone wants to walk out of your life, leave the door open for them to leave. Someone I know always used to say “Lose one friend, gain another.” so here’s my fingers crossed that I find a couple of new friends soon that I can pour love into.

Overall, life is on the up. Minus being skint as per usual and needing to buy multiple things, I’m doing well. I feel like I can get back into writing again. I feel like I haven’t written this much in a while and it’s nice. It’s calming on the soul.

I’m kind of overwhelmed with memories this evening which is slightly comforting, if a little sad. Ah well. It’s the past. I’m looking to the present and the future now, no longer stuck in the past.

 

More in a few days. Love you all. Ciao x

Day 37.

13116174_672352826236289_4102123553459458301_o

7 days ago I said I would post an update. Did I? Of course I didn’t. You all know that I’m uselss at posting when I say that I will but I’ve been a busy girly.

Last weekend was a pretty crazy one. Friday meant a night out and of course the ‘wonderful’ K2. I actually had a great night. Then we went out on Sunday for bank holiday which was just as eventful but this time – no K2.

I put in a previous post about how I had a date and that went well. In fact, guess who’s now in a relationship? That’s right! I am! I’m a super happy lady at the minute which is such a nice change. I mean we made it official outside K2 but we’ll laugh back at that in the future. I’m looking at things more positively. This is proof that things do get better, it just takes some time. It’s day 37 of recovery and it’s felt like much longer. I’ve made it though. I’m actually at a point where I feel so good that I’m struggling to write. That’s why I haven’t really been posting because I’ve not had much to say. Isn’t it strange how when you’re down you can write and write and write but when you’re happy then you struggle. One day, I’ll rectify that.

Anyway, stuck for words now so I shall sign off.

Much love to everyone that’s been here for me and posting kind words, you’re all awesome. And always remember, no matter how impossible it feels, it does get better.

Ciao x

Apollo and Artemis

I am a torrent of darkness,

under the never setting sun.

Two opposites are we,

Together as one.

Underneath the light,

of the never setting sun.

We are that inconsequential difference,

you know the one I mean,

between love and lust

that’s rarely ever seen.

I’ll be your moon,

You’ll be my sun.

You’ll be my Apollo

and I your Artemis.

Together as one,

for all eternity.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“Harry,” said Basil Hallward, looking him straight in the face, “every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have show in it the secret of my own soul.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Second Nature.

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. It’s something we all do, every minute of every day. It is a need. A necessity. It should always feel the same, it’s second nature after all. It’s such a simple task, yet it says so much. It lets us know how we’re feeling in a situation. I’m anxious and panicked, my breaths are short and sharp. Fast paced. It’s a warning sign, I need to breathe. I’m already breathing, I need to slow down and breathe deep. Deep breaths. There you go. You’re okay.

It’s incredible how an activity that we don’t think anything about, can explain what’s going on in your mind. It’s a need to inhale oxygen, our bodies rely on us to deliver it to them. It’s a hunger for air.

Air. There are so many types of air. Air that makes you feel like you can’t breathe, you’re trapped. Air that excites you, there’s an electrical current crying out to you. Air that makes you feel alive, you can do anything.

Fresh air. Nature. The middle of a forest with nobody around. The trees are whispering, the birds are tweeting and the grass is dancing. They’re alive. I feel alive. I’m at one with the world. I am free. 

Soulmates.

Is our sole purpose in life to love and be loved? I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. I see people that have been alone for decades and I wonder if they really are truly happy. Can you be happy without a soul mate? Do they even exist? Sometimes I think that I’m a firm believer in fate, other times it just seems like total nonsense. I guess soul mates do exist to a certain extent, perhaps not someone you’re going to fall in love with, but someone who enters your life for one purpose or another. Those who appear at what seems to be the perfect moment for the perfect reason. You fall in love with them, with their soul and every fibre of their being. Not always romantically, you never want them to leave your life because they bring so much joy and happiness. They make you feel like you’re at home, you’re safe. Someone once said you can find soul mates not only in lovers but also in friends. I like that.